02: How to make, maintain & manage relationships
I’ve been so eager and excited to write this post for my new Series, “The Anxiety Diaries”. If you haven’t read my previous post, I’ve started this series to share my experiences and create a platform of support for all aspects of life living with an anxiety disorder. In my first post, I opened up about my diagnosis, symptoms and my current coping strategies. In this post, I wanted to dive deeper into an aspect of life that can be extremely changeling to navigate with anxiety and that is, relationships!
Relationships in all forms require a lot of work to ensure the health and longevity of them. That work however, shouldn't be so taxing that it negatively impacts your overall sense of wellbeing. I think there’s many people living with anxiety disorders who unwillingly spend most of their time in isolation. It may not always be ideal, but it can be very challenging to navigate otherwise. It’s not always a conscious choice. Sometimes it becomes what feels like the only option for comfort and safety. That can be extremely necessary for someone who is already physically and mentally drained from stress.
Honestly, in my past relationships I’ve never had any effective tools or strategies I could use to regulate or communicate my emotions. I found myself allowing both platonic and romantic relationships to drag beyond my emotional/mental boundaries until they were completely spoiled. Or, I would misread a situation or insignificant moment and allow my thoughts to convince me it was the truth. I would shut down and sabotage the relationship, even if it hurt me in the end. I was in control of that hurt. So if I was isolating myself, at least it was me who did it. Which is more painful, choosing to be alone or being left?
In the last couple of years, I’ve worked hard to grow my emotional awareness. In my opinion, it’s one of the most crucial skills to exercise in a relationship. A relationship is the willingness to be vulnerable in order to form a connection between someone and your true self. There’s a level of understanding you need to have within yourself so that when there’s an opportunity to grow a relationship with someone, your growth can be simultaneous with that. I’ve also worked to decipher what a relationship even means to me. I’ve had to be honest with myself and establish that definition, personal values, and allow myself to deeply feel deserving of them. Because, we all are. We have the authority to only give our energy to the ones that feel right for our mind, body and soul. We all have a right to healthy, lasting relationships and to a life full of love.
I thought I would share with you 10 things I do to make, maintain and establish relationships. I use these strategies as a daily guide. I hope that at least one thing resonates and helps you feel more prepared to build the relationships you want in life. There will always be hurdles but if you find strategies to help you grow you could avoid a few along the way!
DISCLAIMER *Before I begin, this series will address anxiety/mood disorders. You may read topics/content regarding symptoms and experiences that may resonate with you or overlap with your existing diagnosis. You may also come across content that may be triggering to you and your journey. Please read with caution. Please note that I’m not a doctor or medical healthcare professional. This series is solely from personal experience, opinion only and should not be used as a reference for diagnosing or replacement for treatment. If you have any serious or life threatening concerns about the state of your mental wellbeing, please contact your physician, healthcare practitioner, or local crisis line for further guidance. Please find this international list of suicide prevention hotlines and support contact here, International Suicide Hotlines.*
The Steps
1. Choose people with a similar lifestyle/interests as you
Using your interests and values as a catalyst for creating relationships can build a greater foundation for them. Establishing these similarities can help produce engaging conversations, bring context for activities and gatherings, expand current interests and values, and bring a sense of comfort. The more comfortable and safe you feel, the more likely you’ll surround yourself with somebody. That’s not to say that people with differing interests and values can't also create amazing relationships. However, in my opinion it's best to choose someone who aligns with a similar life to you. It can be easier to continually embody your values and interests when you have a relationship with someone who shares the same. That being said, I think it’s important to occasionally challenge yourself and practice expanding your window of tolerance. That way you can bring a sense of openness that can give you a greater chance of meeting a wide range of potential relationships.
2. Openness & Communication
There’s a few areas of focus for this strategy: openness with your diagnosis, communicating your needs, and checking in with people.
Openness about your diagnosis:
This is definitely not necessary but beneficial. I should start off by saying that you should only disclose personal information that you feel comfortable sharing. However, it can be helpful to let your close relationships know in order for them to have a deeper understanding of that part of you. You can choose to talk to them about as much or as little as you’d like. If you’re not comfortable or don’t like using labels, you can even just explain what the disorder looks/feels like in your body. Personally, I feel safer when I give people a heads up about my Anxiety Disorders; I always do it in an appropriate context. That way if I do experience a challenging symptom when I’m with them, they can better understand what’s happening and how they can possibly help. It can bring a sense of ease around that relationship because you can feel like you have non-judgemental support when you’re in need.
Openness and communicating needs:
Whether you have an anxiety disorder/mental health disorder or not, it’s important to practice communication in all relationships: platonic, family or romantic. When you’re first making friends this is going to be a critical skill that helps you set the tone for the rest of your relationship. It’s worth expressing your needs as they arise so that you can give others the opportunity to accommodate you. For example: maybe you pick up a friend for a drive down to the beach and she wants to smoke cigarettes in your car. If that’s not something you are comfortable with, you need to share that. When you struggle with an anxiety disorder, you can experience a lot of ruminating and tend to think or assume peoples reactions. Let go of the thoughts that tell you you’re asking too much or that you don't want to make a big deal. Your needs matter and they need to be communicated when it’s necessary.
When you’ve built a degree of connection with someone it’s especially important to communicate your needs in the moment, so they don’t fester inside of you. When your needs become neglected over a period of time, the feeling can quickly turn into resentment. While it’s acceptable to feel frustrated with someone who hasn't respected your needs, it isn't the same if you haven't communicated with them in the first place. Because our needs can change from day to day or within years, it’s important to keep your relationships aware of them when they do change/develop. Give people the chance to prove that they can show up for you, because somebody will.
Checking in with people:
It’s important to remember to check in with your relationships. I’ve been worried about friends for days who I knew were struggling and they never got back to me. It’s important to consider the person on the other side of your relationship and think how your actions or inactions could be impacting them. Though you’re not responsible for how someone feels, you’re responsible for the relationship you’ve chosen to have with them. There's always time in the day to send a quick message or make a quick call to let people know you’re okay. If you can’t reply at the moment, a quick message explaining why is appreciated. For example “Thanks for the message, I’m feeling so tired and want to reply when I have more energy”. Not once has anyone I still have in life today, been upset with me for that. If you are having suicidal ideation or are feeling unsafe, call your emergency line or a crisis hotline immediately. In this case it’s crucial for support.
3. Setting & Accepting Boundaries
Boundaries for self:
Setting boundaries is a necessary skill to continually practice in all areas of your life, especially in relationships. The types of boundaries that you need to establish can vary from circumstance. This can include emotional, mental, intellectual, physical, or sexual/intimacy boundaries. However, it can also include finances, material things, substances, time, beliefs and/or religion. The problem is not that people don’t have or want boundaries, but they don’t always know how to identify and communicate them. At a time, I was very unaware of what my boundaries were. The only indication that could give me some kind of guidance was tuning into what my mind and body were telling me. If, like me, you start to experience physical discomfort/pain, emotional or mental distress, or if you’re not feeling an overall sense of comfort with someone or in a situation, it might be because one or more of your boundaries have been crossed.
To set boundaries you first need to establish what your limits are that are non-negotiable. Try asking yourself what makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable. Maybe explore what or who makes you feel safe and valued. The second step is being able to communicate those limits with others, which I know is easier said than done. But, you can’t assume that people are going to know your boundaries without telling them. Take a deep breath, gather your thoughts together and take as much time as you need to rehearse your needs. Remember to use empowering “I” statements to help you. If you find that someone is crossing your boundaries after they’ve been clearly communicated, you may need to reiterate it or remind them. However, if you’re having to constantly do it, you may need to explore if that relationship is really or right for you.
I think a lot of people who deal with chronic anxiety can tend to be people pleasers and don’t want to cause any “trouble” or confrontation. But, addressing your needs in a respectful manner doesn’t and shouldn’t have to be a negative encounter. As hard as it may be, I’ve had to learn that I’m not responsible for others' reactions towards my boundaries. If you want to make, maintain and manage healthy relationships you need to be able to communicate your boundaries regardless of the outcome. Look for relationships from people that listen with intent for action. If your needs are not being respected, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship as mentioned before.
Boundaries with others:
Boundaries are a two way street. As important as it is to create and state your boundaries; it’s necessary to reciprocate the same respect for others. When you struggle with a mental health disorder you may be so overwhelmed in your own struggles that you unintentionally make things only about you and your needs. If you want to build and maintain long term relationships you’re going to have to be just as intentional with your needs as you are with others. In my past relationship, I didn’t respect his boundaries around drinking alcohol. At the time, I thought it was okay to keep pressuring him about trying a drink, even after his several attempts to explain that it wasn’t okay with him. It was completely unacceptable and it’s quite embarrassing to remember myself making those decisions at that time.
On either end, if boundaries are not practiced with awareness or desire to change, it’s a real possibility that resentment and detachment can/will start to form. If your goal is to make, maintain or manage your relationships, this is an area that is necessary to continually be mindful of.
4. Exercising emotional awareness & the 24 hr rule
Emotional awareness is the ability to recognize and make sense of your own emotions and the emotions of others. This is an important aspect in relationships to ensure longevity. The first part of emotional awareness is being able to explore your emotions when they first arise. You may find it helpful to identify what the underlying emotion even is. Once you're able to identify it, you can begin to ask it questions for clarification; “Why am I experiencing this emotion? Has another situation like this happened in the past? What evidence do I have to prove this emotion?”. Question your emotions with the purpose of curiosity and clarity, not judgement. No emotion you feel is ever wrong but it does have a context that is important for understanding how to engage and react with others.
When you practice recognizing others emotions you’re simultaneously practicing empathy too. You’re able to view others as their own unique individuals with their own set of needs, feelings, fears and desires. From that perspective you can shift and adjust your mindset to any given circumstance or situation that may arise. It’s been important for me to constantly remind myself of how I want to be treated so I can mirror that in the relationships I have.
Sometimes people who have overwhelming challenging aspects in their life, can start unloading onto other people. Unloading by definition is removing contents of something to another. Emotional unloading is the passing of information, responsibility, or powerful thoughts/feelings onto someone else, especially without consent. I have to admit this is where I’ve had a lot of failed relationships with friends, family and romantic partners. Unloading is an avoidant behaviour because it releases the worry and emotional stress from you onto someone else. The problem is when people unload, oftentimes they’re in a heightened state of emotion. Which can mean that they don’t have a strong sense of emotional awareness for others at that moment.
Unloading can be really uncomfortable on the receiving end. There often is a transference of emotion from you to the other person and can make them experience your stress. If you’re constantly unloading on someone their perception of you can change negatively. If you become a person that is constantly a trigger for stress and worry they may want to remove themself from the situation or relationship all together. The relationship with my mom is a great example. I find myself coming to her for a lot of advice and guidance because I feel safe with her. However, I often unload on her without letting her have a chance to speak. In turn, she ends up feeling emotionally and mentally fatigued.
The 24 hour rule:
I wanted to change this unhealthy coping skill to better my relationship with my mom and my friends. This is where the 24-hour rule comes in handy. It’s essentially a rule where you are not allowed to respond or talk about a situation until the 24 hours have passed. This personal boundary I have set for myself, has allowed me to process a situation and see it from all perspectives before taking action. It has also allowed me to show myself that I can experience and work through difficult emotions on my own. If I feel like I need to talk to someone, I first ask for consent, for example: “Hey I’m having a hard day and just wanted to know if you were in the right headspace to talk it through”. If you use this strategy, remember that if you’re asking, you need to be able to accept all the answers. Don’t let the response reflect how you view them as a person. People are allowed to make their own mental health their first or only priority.
As a disclaimer, I wanted to say that you don't have to deal with things on your own if you need help but there is an appropriate way and time to ask for it. If you’re in an emotional/mental state that can put yourself or others in immediate and/or future danger, then you need to seek immediate help from a crisis line, emergency number or a trusted person as a last resort.
5. Putting yourself first & saying no
Putting yourself first can allow you to be the best version of you so that you can show up for yourself and others the way it’s needed. It’s difficult to have healthy relationships when you’re not prioritizing your wellbeing first and foremost. When you’re in a better mental/emotional headspace, you’re able to project the real you and the self you want people to see. There can be times that not prioritizing your needs can negatively impact your relationships. If you agree to a situation you have no interest in or don’t want to do, it can affect how you show up and act in those instances. It’s likely that the other person may pick up on this and become impacted by your energy.
Which brings me to my next point, that it’s always okay to say no if you don’t want to do something, go somewhere and/or participate in something. It’s your life, mind and body. You have the authority to decide where you expend your energy. It’s up to you, if you want to provide reasoning, but it’s never necessary.
You can evaluate the type of person in your relationships very well with this strategy. If someone doesn’t accept or respect your no, they don’t deserve to continue being a part of your life. You’re not responsible for how someone chooses to respond to your needs, when you’re doing it in a respectful way.
Alternatively, when you’re on the receiving end of “no”, you need to be able to respect the other person's boundaries just as much as your own. My anxiety sometimes tells me that the word “no” is negative; it means that I did something wrong, or maybe the person doesn't like me anymore. If this happens, accept the no, be aware of the emotions, and move to the 24 hour rule to help you gain perspective on why they may have set those boundaries or established those needs with you.
This strategy may feel uncomfortable at first, and admittingly you may lose some relationships in the process. However, you should be focusing on quality vs. quantity and what relationships add value and joy to your life.
6. Creating space for support & appreciation
This step has always come more naturally to me because I genuinely love making the people around me feel special and loved. But, that's not to say there's not always room for improvement.
A relationship is a connection between two individuals where love and support should be mutually exchanged. Everybody at their core wants to feel needed, and cared for. To make, maintain and manage your relationships, it’s important to find time to show your relationships that you do care about them as a person and not just what they bring to the table.
Managing your mental health can consume a lot of your time, thoughts and energy. There’s some days where I don’t feel like I have it in me to get up, let alone check in or have a conversation with someone. However, I take the days I do feel like the best version of myself to let people in my life know how much I care.
There’s an endless amount of ways to show up for someone in a relationship. It could be a simple check in or a follow up from a past conversation. It could be taking initiative to plan a gathering or time to spend together, it can even be a compliment or words of gratitude for them being in your life. If you’re unsure of what to do and want to make sure it’s meaningful to them, you can always ask how they want to receive support. That’s always a mindful option that can be appreciated.
“A relationship is a connection between two individuals where love and support should be mutually exchanged.”
7. Acknowledgement & Ownership
This has been a very challenging strategy for me to overcome. Not because I can’t recognize where I’ve been wrong, but because I’ve allowed my anxiety to convince me that if I've made a mistake I’ve ruined my relationships. With that mindset I’ve reacted by sabotaging several relationships with people before I felt like they could do it to me first. But, I’ve learnt that I have to let go of that fear or I will continue to lose people I really care about.
The outcome of our mistakes is out of our control once we make them. It’s up to us to reflect and acknowledge our actions and their effects they have on others. When we’ve done something that has affected someone else, it requires an apology, not a “sorry”. It needs specific and actionable steps you will take moving forward to avoid a similar situation in the future. Try your best to stick to self statements. No one is responsible for your words and/actions but you.
Unfortunately, sometimes even when you acknowledge your wrong doings and take ownership for your actions, it might not be enough. Someone can choose to prioritize themselves and cut ties with you. This can bring painful feelings of regret. Allow those emotions to see themselves through, evaluate what went wrong, and think about how you will move forward differently in the future.
Taking ownership can help to create a foundation of trust. It can heal hurt feelings and smoothe tense or stressful altercations over. If you want to have lasting, meaningful relationships, this is a critical skill to practice.
8. Removing people
I used to think removing people from my circle was harsh, and didn’t make any sense. My goal has always been to build more relationships and maintain them. But, this is absolutely necessary. It’s unrealistic that every relationship you create will carry on throughout each season of your life. As you grow as an individual and experiment with different kinds of relationships, you’re able to determine what kind of person you value having in your life.
Determine how you want to feel in your relationships and take inventory of the ones you have in your life now. Do those relationships reflect how you want to feel, or want to be treated? If you have a list of values for your relationships, do the ones you have now align with those? Do you prefer quality over quantity?
When you remove people that are no longer serving you or your sense of wellbeing, it’s time to remove them. Cutting these individuals out can give you more time and energy for the relationships that do bring you joy and love. For the most part, relationships should be easy and always feel safe. If you’re finding yourself mentally and/or emotionally drained from somebody, it may be a good indication that you need to revisit your list of values, re-define your boundaries, or remove them from your life completely.
Relationships don’t have to end in a negative or toxic way, if communication is used as a catalyst for understanding and awareness it can be a mutually positive experience for growth.
Final Thoughts
Whether you’re looking to make, maintain or manage platonic, or romantic relationships; I hope you have found these strategies helpful. If there’s any information you feel you closely resonated with, I’d love to hear from you. As well as, if you have any questions, need additional clarification, or help with a strategy. Thank you so much for reading this far if you did. I appreciate you more than you know!