How to Redirect your Reactions towards others Success and Become Inspired for Change
Introduction:
Within the past few months, I’ve come to the realization that I have a difficult time being genuinely happy for other people's success in my life. Where I should be cheering them on from the bleachers, I’m cross-armed in the corner with a sullen pout. It’s an automatic recurring reaction that causes me a lot of discomfort and shame. I’ve since taken the time to listen and try to better understand the thoughts and emotions that surface in these situations. I believe that after a lot of questioning and self evaluation, I’ve been able to identify the causes and effectively apply strategies to overcome them. I know this isn’t a unique individual experience. And in today’s growing digital era, it’s almost impossible not to feel surrounded by others' successes. However, it’s our responsibility to acknowledge the work that has to be done in order to focus on ourselves and truly be happy for others and people in our lives we care about.
The Six Steps:
I knew that before I could try tackling this problem, I would need to identify and understand the root causes. I would need to be willing to acknowledge and accept the thoughts and emotions that were bringing these reactions to the surface. After all, everything we do in life has a specific function/purpose, whether we initially see or understand it. So I’ve spent some time curating this six step process in order to help myself and others move through and resolve these challenges; in the process improving the relationship with self and others.
Step 1: Emotional Labelling
Emotional labelling requires a sense of openness and honesty with yourself. You will need to deeply reflect and identify the initial feelings/emotions that arise in your situation. In order to do this properly you must be willing to say goodbye to the ego, and warmly welcome any and all feelings/emotions you experience. You may find this especially challenging if you’ve associated negative connotations to them. Set that aside and allow the possibility of uncomfortable truths to surface. Self-vulnerability isn’t often easy or comfortable but it’s necessary to step into a world of growth and change. Think of a time someone shared their success with you. Was it a new job? Maybe they launched their first business, or just announced their recent engagement. What feeling/emotion initially came up for you at that moment? Was it jealousy, fear of inadequacy, frustration, sadness? When you start to develop a clearer idea, I suggest documenting those feelings/emotions down in a notebook. I find this helpful for two reasons. It can clearly identify your feelings, emotions and thoughts. As well, writing them down allows you to revisit them later and evaluate any patterns for future work.
Step 2: Question the Reasoning
Step one required labelling feelings/emotions. Step two targets the reasoning behind them. This step pushes you to ask yourself those “why” questions. It may feel difficult to truly admit the reasoning, especially if there’s some shame and guilt surrounding it. If you find yourself in this situation, remember that you said goodbye to your ego in the last step. There’s no wrong or “bad” feeling/emotion, they’re free to be without labels and exist to be observed and worked through. Let’s say you meet your friend for lunch and they later reveal they’re engaged. Your label in this case may be sadness. However, you may feel sad because you feel like you’re going to lose a friend, or you wish it was something you had in your life. That’s the reasoning. It’s a very common therapeutic strategy I’ve used with almost all of my past therapists (I feel…because…). You may need some reflection time in order to come to your reasoning, it may not come instantaneously. Think about pushing your emotional boundaries and remove the shame and/or guilt associated.
3. Re-evaluating the Label
So you’ve labelled and established your reasoning, now it’s time to return to step one. This is because most often, our initial feelings/emotions that present themselves are covering for the underlying root ones. We’ve all been in a situation where we’ve argued with a friend or loved one and felt intense anger. However, when we looked back, we could admit that we just felt betrayed, sad, and maybe even fearful. If you refer to the engagement example from step two, it was established that sadness was the initial label. After re-evaluation you may find that the feeling of losing a friend actually brings on feelings of abandonment and loneliness. It may even bring on feelings of fear and anxiety. It’s important to re-evaluate and try your best to establish the accurate label in order to understand the steps you need to take to move forward. It’s also very likely that your label may change again after working through future steps. It’s completely normal and you can always return to this step to move forward with your newest one if need be.
4. Practicing Empathy & Loving kindness
Working through the first three steps can be an emotionally draining experience. There may be the presence of some negative self thoughts, again guilt and/or shame. This is actually a good thing. This will give you the opportunity to practice empathy for yourself and others. Empathy for the self requires you to acknowledge that you’re deserving and worthy of understanding, kindness and compassion, despite your faults. It’s a practice of accepting all of you, the good and the difficult. Understanding that your feelings/emotions and experiences in the world will ebb and flow with every changing day; it doesn’t define or change your true self. It isn’t a good feeling, when you hold these difficult feelings/emotions towards others. But you honour that difficulty by supporting and comforting yourself through it.
Try this mantra below to help you get started:
Loving kindness is a practice of nurturing your ability to be tender, caring and considerate towards others. My interpretation is to treat others with the same respect, patience, kindness and care that you would like reciprocated. Everyone has experienced happiness in their lifetime. Reflect on a time that you were truly happy, it could be a day, an event, a conversation, any moment. Think about how good it felt to be happy, how every cell in your body emanated the feeling of peace. Now think about the other person or people in this situation. Just how you once felt they deserve to feel as well. Just like how you want good things in your life, health, shelter, love, and safety, as do they. This is the mindset to draw your thoughts and attention back to in these situations. When these difficult feelings/emotions linger, think back to that time of happiness in it’s entirety; find space to allow for the person or people to feel and experience the same.
5. Discovery & Awareness
The discovery step is an invaluable lesson necessary to move forward. You’ve hopefully been able to better identify your feelings/emotions, reasoned with them, re-labelled them and found space for empathy and kindness. You can now begin to ask yourself some essential questions. How do I want to feel now and moving forward what can I do to support/comfort myself? What do I want to work towards in my life (physically/tangibly or emotionally/mentally) and what changes can I make in my life to get there? When you have a better understanding of your true feelings/emotions you can begin to discover what is needed in the moment and the future to create change. You might want to revisit or re-establish your personal life goals or maybe you want to prioritise more space for self care and comfort. Perhaps you need more support from others and need to practice communication. If you refer to the loneliness example from step three, you may discover that you need to expand your social life. Maybe you need to discover what your passionate about or what hobbies you enjoy that bring you back to your true self. There is no perfect answer or path of discovery; take one step at a time until you find a destination that feels like home.
The second part of step five is awareness. It’s entirely possible and likely that you’ve had an outward or internalised reaction/response in your situation that has affected the other person/people in some way. Maybe the way you initially responded to their success or news wasn’t kind nor supportive. Maybe your internalised feelings/emotions about the situation have subconsciously changed the way you interact with the person. Perhaps you start talking to them a bit differently or avoiding them all together. In this case you need to practice the awareness of how your actions can affect others. You need an objective view of the situation based on reality, not your perception of it. You may need to ask yourself how your actions could have been handled differently and what changes you're going to consider next time so the people you interact with feel safe and supported. This won’t pertain to everyone, sometimes you may react in a way that others can’t see or interpret. However it may be, it’s important to have an awareness of your emotions/feelings that influence your actions in order to handle future situations with more understanding and grace.
Step 6: Taking Action
The application of taking action is the most important step. It may require a lot of trial and error. It will require you to put your discoveries to the test with your actionable goals, adjusting and expanding where it’s needed. In terms of personal action, the steps you’ll need to take, whether it’s becoming more self-aware or improving compassion, will be up to you to prioritize and decide. Maybe you take action by joining a club or applying for a school program you’ve always been interested in. The action you choose should feel empowering and bring the focus back to you. Don’t choose an action to take based on an area or subject you think is best for your image or peoples opinions on you. You’re taking action for your own life and the only one that has to live it from start to finish is you. You hold all the power to create the change and the life you seek.
I think actions with others are just as important. How will you show the other person in the situation that they’re supported and cared for? How will you correct your actions if there was any wrong doings? Maybe you need to deliver a sincere apology. Maybe you share a plan of action with them to avoid similar future situations. How about taking action by showing more support and love to the people you care about? Maybe you give them a card to congratulate them on their success or you send them a sincere message wishing them your best. Perhaps it’s an offer for a phone call or a dinner for you to celebrate. If you remember to always lead with kindness and consideration, taking action can only heal and grow.
Bottom Line
Bottom line, these automatic emotions/feelings are out of your control. They can come on with the ones closest to you or acquaintances you come across in passing. They will come and go like a sudden gust of wind. At times strong and heavy, other times soft and faint. Whichever way, know that it’s completely normal. With these six steps in mind you can begin to acknowledge, honour and work through them. When you work on yourself you can be the best version of yourself for others. And so your relationships will improve, your confidence, your ability to show compassion and empathy towards yourself and others all will improve. With practice you will find clarity and peace moving forward through any future circumstance life may bring.