01: The Anxiety Diaries
The introduction:
I’ve been thinking about starting a series like this for a while now, though I’ve found myself hesitant to take the plunge. My initial worry was that exposing my authentic self would leave me in a vulnerable position to be judged by myself and others. That’s because, when you step into a position of being open and honest, there's a possibility of criticism following behind too. I didn’t know if I would be ready to brave that and take it on. When you criticize yourself in so many aspects of your life, you become reluctant to do anything that may exacerbate it further. On the other hand, constantly hiding my true self and my experiences has become such an exhausting act. Just like how I switch my lights off before I leave the house for the day; I constantly shut out the real me.
Over some time to think, I’ve come to realize that there isn't a stance or situation in life free of drawbacks. Growth and awareness come from sacrificing your comfort in order to see the change you want in your life. I have taken tremendous strides in my mental health journey, personally and with professional guidance. But, being able to reveal this part of myself and share my experiences is going to further help myself and others.
I’m excited to use this blogging platform to openly discuss my experiences navigating life with a mental health disorder. In doing so, I hope that I can share the tools and lessons I’ve acquired and implemented in my life, over the years, that have helped me get to where I am today. I don’t have all the answers, I don't think anyone does or ever will, but I know what I’ve been through and I know my mind. With that, I know I can create a supportive community resource where healing becomes possible.
*Before I begin, this series will mainly address anxiety/mood disorders. You may read topics/content regarding symptoms and experiences that may resonate with you or overlap with your existing diagnosis. Please remember that I’m not a doctor. This series is solely from personal experience, opinion only and should not be used as a reference for diagnosing or replacement for treatment. If you have any serious or life threatening concerns about the state of your mental wellbeing, please contact your physician, healthcare practitioner, or local crisis line for further guidance. Please find this international list of suicide prevention hotlines and support contact here, International Suicide Hotlines.*
My diagnosis
In 2012, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Generalized Anxiety Disorder is the consistent and excessive worry about several aspects in one’s life (finances, health, family, work etc.) A person with this disorder may worry and catastrophize what others may see as unwarranted or unreasonable. They may also experience a heightened sense of worry in situations that others see no cause for concern in. Similar to GAD, Panic Disorder is the frequent experience of panic attacks accompanied by the excessive worry/avoidance about having them again.
Symptoms
Over the years I’ve become a lot more aware of my symptoms/triggers and how to manage them. But, anxiety to me is like meeting a new friend everyday that you have to spend the whole day with. You start off super awkward and uncomfortable, unsure of what to do/what to expect. You spend all this time getting to know them, you maybe even let your walls down a bit. But by the next day, you’re waking up to a new person to do it all over again with.
I have to admit, for several years this was hard to navigate. One day I would be completely fine, living my best life, and the next I was going through my day with crippling anxious thoughts and physical discomfort. To put it bluntly, it kept knocking me onto my ass.
One of the most challenging symptoms I’ve had to deal with is my excessive catastrophic thoughts. Take last week for example. I was invited to join a friends group of friends I’d never met, for a fun night in. I usually don’t go to events, parties or get togethers by myself if I don’t know anyone there. I always like to have a “safety” person. But, I’ve been trying to challenge myself, so I didn’t invite anyone to tag along. The night actually went really well, everyone there was inclusive and welcoming. But my anxiety just couldn’t sit this one out. So my inner dialogue decided to play back a similar track. It went something like this, “What if you said something wrong and his friends think you’re weird? That joke you told was kind of embarrassing, did you realize no one laughed? He probably won't invite you again. You’ve pretty much lost that friend. You can think about how to be better when you’re home alone. You’re always alone. It may be like that forever, people usually don’t want you around for long. You better text your mom tonight to call you in the morning because if you die in your sleep, no one is going to find you for days.” It’s like wow okay, damn, I couldn’t just have my moment. My anxiety likes to rob them, any chance it can get. I have a good day, time or moment and my anxiety turns it around and tells me why I have to question it.
Another symptom I constantly battle with is dissociation, a term I’m only just becoming more comfortable letting out of my mouth. Dissociation is a symptom of anxiety and many other mental health disorders. It can be a trauma response that protects your body from experiencing overwhelming pain and/or mental/emotional stress. When you experience this symptom it can start to feel like your body isn’t yours. Your senses may become dulled or even numb and you can feel a sense of disconnection from the world around you, like things/people aren’t real. I have often explained it as feeling like you’re living and moving through the world in a bubble or cloud.
The adaptable mechanism of dissociation in itself actually has the advantage of protecting you from catastrophic and/or highly intense situations and events, like a car accident or injury. It’s extremely common to have had a dissociative episode at least once in your life. They typically last for a couple or seconds to minutes. However, they can last hours, days and even months at a time. I experience episodes for usually days/weeks at a time, it can feel incredibly uncomfortable and scary. Thinking about getting an episode increases my anxiety and excessive worrying which actually trigger episodes to come on.
It can also feel extremely isolating because from the outside no one can recognize I’m experiencing it. I can usually maintain my work/life routines fine. But other times, I can get such severe brain zaps, headaches, dullness of senses (especially taste and appetite), lethargy and panic attacks that it makes it impossible to be functional.
I have a running joke in my family about me being the sleep queen. Put me in a moving vehicle, get me a comfy couch, a blanket under the sun and I’m out in less than five minutes. That’s another symptom of anxiety that can make life difficult. Because anxiety puts so much physical stress and exertion on the body, it can cause you to feel extremely fatigued. Constantly having higher stress levels can also increase your cortisol and adrenaline which can affect your physical and mental fatigue.
It can sometimes feel embarrassing when I don’t have the energy to do certain activities or when I feel like I mentally can’t keep up with the people around me. When I feel mentally exhausted it’s also harder for me to concentrate and recall accurate information/details from conversations or things I’ve read/seen. I have a lot of brain farts and forget what I'm saying sometimes in the moment. The worst is forgetting what I’m doing. I walk into a lot of rooms with a blank stare because I forget what I was supposed to be doing.
Steps to Managing
Removing alcohol & recreational drugs
This step is controversial because I know a lot of people rely and swear by marijuana helping manage their mood and anxiety. However, it’s the complete opposite for me. Smoking makes me feel paranoid, extra anxious and panicky. Alcohol is a mood suppressant that can make people experience decreased mood and symptoms of depression for hours, even days after consumption.
Taking supplements
Medication is extremely helpful in treating anxiety and other mental health disorders, I’m not against it at all. But, my personal experience with medication wasn't positive. I was on Cipralex for 6 years and during that time I didn’t like how it made me feel. I was always numb, and didn’t feel like I could experience a wide range of emotions. Coming off the medication was also a horrific experience for me. I lived three months with severe headaches, brain fog, chills, and sickness. So to supplement in place of the medication I started taking daily vitamins. Some of my favourite vitamins I take are: Vitamin D, B Vitamins, GABA, L-Theanine, Magnesium Biglycinate, and Omega Fish capsules. It’s important when you’re taking supplements to be diligent everyday so you can actually see notable changes.
Changing my diet
Food is medicine for our bodies. What we put into it, reflects what happens to it. The diet I follow now is an antifungal and anti-inflammatory diet. There are many studies that show the link between gut and brain health. When the foods you eat cause inflammation in the gut, it’s possible to see changes in your mood and temperament. Some foods I completely avoid are refined sugars and food dyes. You can read an article here to understand more about how these synthetic dyes affect your neurology. I also avoid caffeine as much as possible because it can make me feel jittery. All this being said, I’m human and I don’t restrict myself on occasions or celebrations.
Physical Fitness
The gym has been life changing in supporting my anxiety disorder. It gives me an elevated mood, increases my energy and gives me the motivation to get through my day. I go to the gym five days a week, but any form of exercise is beneficial. Getting daily physical activity can boost your serotonin and gamma aminobutyric acid (GABA), which are the neurochemicals in your brain that decrease your anxiety. When you experience a lot of muscle tension and fatigue, moving your body can also help ease that tension and provide relief in those stressed areas.
Drinking enough water
Most of North America is chronically dehydrated. It’s so important to make sure you’re keeping up with adequate water intake everyday. I make sure to have a litre of water in the morning to help me with my bowel movements and flush out toxins. I try to follow that with 2-3 more 1.5 litre water bottles throughout the day to support my high activity levels. Dehydration symptoms can be more subtle and can include poor concentration, irritability, confusion and fatigue.
Seek professional help
I believe everyone should see a therapist if it’s accessible to them. Whether that be a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, counsellor, and/or health care physician, it is necessary. A professional can give you the tools and strategies to implement into your everyday life. Their methodologies can help you untrap unresolved trauma and help get rid of chronic pain. I recognize that it’s a privilege to be able to access these services, however, your city, state, etc., should have a list of free or affordable resources in your area. If you don’t have a computer at home, try the library to look for resources or to borrow books that address your area of need.
Get enough sleep
The minimum hours of healthy sleep is 7-9 hours. Most of us struggle to even make the 7 hour mark. Your body needs an adequate amount of sleep to heal, repair and recover. I make sure I have at least 7 hours of sleep a night, sometimes more. Set a strict time for yourself, when you want to be asleep. Time lock your phone apps if you find it’s hard to put it down. Try to stick to as normal of a sleep routine as possible. Leave your phone and electronics out of reach, off or on airplane mode when it’s time to sleep to avoid disturbances.
Surround yourself with good people
As a spiritual person, I believe in peoples energies affecting our body systems. When we are surrounded by people who bring negative and stressful energy into our space, our nervous system reacts. It’s okay to create boundaries and distance yourself from people who don’t support your mental wellbeing. You’re the only one who has to live your life and experiences. So you have every right and the authority to choose who and who not to let into your space. Remember relationships are a privilege not a right. That goes for family, friendships and romantic partners. Ending relationships that don’t make you feel good anymore, doesn't have to be negative and can end in a mutually respectful way. Surround yourself with people who make you feel like sunshine and you’ll never notice the rain.
If you struggle with a mental health disorder, just know how incredibly strong of an individual you are. It’s not easy to constantly be fighting to keep yourself above water. It’s physically draining having to do the work so you don’t slip under. I know it can feel unfair that you even have to be where you are in the first place. But, you are here because you were meant to be. The world needs you, no matter if you can see it or not. Your mental health doesn't have to define you. It will always be a part of you but it doesn't have to be who you are or want to be. I think the more open and non-judgemental dialogue we have about our experiences, the less people will feel alone. The more safe spaces we create for support and healing, the more comfortable we’ll feel in our communities and with our family and friends. Mental health is hard, but your life doesn't have to be too.
Credit:
Joy Stanborough, R.J.S. (2020, December, 15). Dehydration and Anxiety: How to Keep Calm and Hydrate On. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/dehydration-and-anxiety#increasing-water
Weiss, B.W. (2011, September, 16). Synthetic Food Colors and Neurobehavioral Hazards: The View from Environmental Health Research. Environ Health Perspect. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3261946/
J. Ratey, J.J.R. (2019, October, 24). Can exercise help treat anxiety?. Harvard Health Publishing. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/can-exercise-help-treat-anxiety-2019102418096
Folk, J.F. (2021, May, 18). Brain Zaps Anxiety Symptoms. Anxiety Centre. https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-disorders/symptoms/brain-zaps/
Dissociation and dissociative disorders. (n.d.). Better Health Channel. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders
Panic Disorder: When Pain Overwhelms. (2022). National Institutes of Health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/panic-disorder-when-fear-overwhelms
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). (n.d.). Anxiety and Depression Association of America. https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad
How to Manage Chronic Fatigue and Anxiety. (2020, June, 26). Elevation Behavioural Health. https://elevationbehavioralhealth.com/chronic-fatigue-and-anxiety/